he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
