we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Barsexuality is the new black.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
