i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
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