mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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