I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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