chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
