1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
