i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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