Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
