hell yes lets make some ravioli
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
