I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
