Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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