I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
