My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
