i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
