sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
