Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
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Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!