I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
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I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
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I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My boob is missing a layer of skin
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.