oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.