some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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