Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
