Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
