He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
