Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
