imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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