you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
