god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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