I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
