I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
