i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
