apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
