the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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