Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
