I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
