turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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