I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Randomize
