I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
