I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
