unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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