I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
