i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
