I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
