can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
