The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
