My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
