The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
