If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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