found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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