I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just come out here and I will go home with you...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
