Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
