I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
