My first STD was from a foam party
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
