i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
