Just mADE A PArabola og urine
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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