cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
