I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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