I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
