Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
