Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
